Illustration for article titled 2014 Grammy Predictions Sure to Go Wrong

The Grammys are tonight, which means one thing for sure: I will be watching in total disgust as my abhorrence for the mainstream music industry reaches an all-time high. But, this won't stop me from making a few predictions about who will be getting the hardware.


Record of the Year (which actually means Single of the Year)

  • Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams - Get Lucky
  • Imagine Dragons - Radioactive
  • Lorde - Royals
  • Bruno Mars - Locked Out of Heaven
  • Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell Williams and T.I. - Blurred Lines

Winner: I'm thinking it'll be Get Lucky, but I feel as if Imagine Dragons will win for one reason: When I saw them live in September at a festival in Atlanta, they had a huge fucking drum on stage that was only used for two songs, Radioactive and whatever other crap song they're known for. I feel like Grammy voters eat that shit up. Plus, how would the acceptance speech be done by Daft Punk?


Album of the Year

  • Sara Bereilles - The Blessed Unrest
  • Daft Punk - Random Access Memories
  • Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d. City (Because I stylize like I mean it)
  • Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - The Heist
  • Taylor Swift - Red

Winner: I'll start by saying that if the world was a decent place, Kendrick would win, but that won't happen. Daft Punk probably won't win because disco is dead. Sara Bereilles won't get it because I'm almost certain it's not 2008.


So, that leaves it up to Taylor Swift and Macklemore, which is basically like saying, "One makes music that a bunch of 12-24 year old girls like, and so does the other." I say Macklemore wins it because (in my best Mugatu voice) "He's so hot right now."

Song of the Year (Which is totally different from Record of the Year, you guys)

  • P!nk (dedication) - Just Give Me A Reason
  • Bruno Mars - Locked Out Of Heaven
  • Katy Perry - Roar
  • Lorde - Royals
  • Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - Same Love

Winner: I can honestly say I've heard two of these songs in their entirety: Royals and Same Love, so I think it'll be either of those that win. I guess Macklemore gets the edge because it's so much different than all the hip-hop that came before blah blah blah blah...


Best New Artist

  • Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
  • Kendrick Lamar
  • Kacey Musgraves
  • James Blake
  • Ed Sheeran

Winner: It'd be great to see James Blake take this; I played the shit out of Overgrown last year. Won't happen.


I have no idea who Ed Sheeran and Kacey Musgraves are, so there's that.

That means K.Dot and Macklemore get to duke it out for the honor of being the best new guy on the block, even though they've both been around for what seems like forever now. Again, I really want Kendrick to win, mainly because I'd like to see him bring all of Black Hippy on stage for an acceptance speech, but Macklemore will probably win because [/insert generic response about how good he is for the rap industry].


Best Rap Album

  • Drake - Nothing Was The Same
  • Jay-Z - Magna Carta... Holy Grail
  • Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d City
  • Kanye West - Yeezus
  • Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - The Heist

Winner: Two of these nominees aren't rap albums (NWTS and Yeezus), I don't care what you think, they aren't. MCHG was weak, even after all hyper-production and flashy studio commercials that Samsung pinned our eyelids back to watch.


This, yet again, leaves us with a Macklemore and Kendrick showdown. People talk about how it would be absurd for an album to win the major award (Album of the Year) and not win its own category, but I would like to believe that voters would give Kendrick a consolation prize and let him take home at least one tonight. I'll go with GKMC.

Bonus Non-Award Related Predictions/Observations!

- There's a bunch of hype about Jay-Z and Beyonce leading off the night with a big performance. While I don't doubt they will be doing something, I get this bad feeling that Kanye will do something to make it more memorable than it should be.


- I'm actually really, really looking forward to the Blake Shelton/Willie Nelson/Kris Kristofferson/Merle Haggard performance. Three of those guys are country/folk legends and the other is Blake Shelton, whose wife is also performing tonight, but with Green Day's lead singer, Billie Joe Armstrong, who is apparently still relevant.

- Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are also doing a little reunion thing, which I think will be more awkward and uneasy than anything Katy Perry and Juicy J do on stage.

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